Moments of Sheer Despiration

I wanted to comment on Equine Mine's recent post but didn't feel that I could really express what I had to say in just a comment.

In the summer of 2005 I owned 4 horses and I couldn't ride any of them. In the last three months Precious had been through a stone bruise, abcess and founder requiring my presence at the barn 2x a day and although recovering from acute symptoms we didn't know the cause, when she tore downt the fence and kicked the crap out of my new QH almost breaking her jaw. I couldn't bridle her for a month because of the sores. My gelding Tesoro was in training several hundred miles away and although a 15 year old living with me could ride him (and won 5 championships and reserves at a show earlier that year), he terrified me. My 4th horse was not under saddle and a few weeks earlier had cut himself on the roundpen requiring afterhour vet care and stiches. I was terrified to change his bandages and again relied on the teenager.

In 2004 I had back surgery, so this was my summer to ride and the money poured out in vet bills, board and each day I soul searched asking myself why. And I tried to sell Tesoro, thought that I would have to put Precious down, and some days wished I had never seen a horse.

Did I mention that in that spring show right before she got sick she took off across the arena when it made a terrifying sound and I managed to get her stopped but I couldn't stop shaking and I am still scared to ride in that arena? I think Julie that was when you made the beautiful video of us, there were amazing moments even in the darkest hours.

I can't count the number of times that I thought I bought the wrong horse(s), made the wrong decision and more importantly, I can't count the number of times that I cried. Emotionally wrenching, deep sobbing when I thought I could not go on.

It was, however, my moments of sheer despiration that kept me looking for answers, to find out the problems and to try and have a glimmer of the good times. And sometimes it was very very very hard.

I am not in your situation and I can't imagine it BUT I do know what sheer despiration is and I hope my good friend, that you won't give up. AND no matter what you decide, I will support you.

Please consider this the internet equivalent of a great big hug. I am so proud of you.

Love,

Jerri